Saturday, January 17, 2015

David Cameron in 'cloud cuckoo land' over plans to deify security services

The prime minister’s pledge to give security services omnipotence is ‘crazy’, experts say. Religious and security specialists have told our gallant reporters that David Cameron is “living in cloud cuckoo land” when he suggests a new Tory government would ascend ordinary intelligence agents to a new pantheon of Gods. 

Independent expert Ive Noclue said: “It’s crazy. Cameron is living in cloud cuckoo land if he thinks that this is a sensible idea, and no it wouldn’t be possible to implement properly. You can't just go around turning ordinary intelligence officers into divine beings and creating a new omnipotent pantheon. This is obviously what the Tories are planning to do and it's not sensible."

Other security experts echo Noclue, describing the approach as “idiocy” and saying Cameron’s plans are “ill-thought out and scary”. The UK’s data watchdog has also spoken out against “knee-jerk reactions”. One expert privately voiced concerns that "Many of today's problems occur from an already diverse pantheon of Gods. Adding more could exacerbate the problem. This Tory policy is just downright wrong. What happens if these new Gods start competing religions? What happens if one of these new Gods decides they're going to change reality or has a bad day and starts lobbing lightning bolts around? The consequences of this should have been thought through".

Meanwhile a start-up has warned on the possible effect on Britain’s nascent technology sector of Cameron’s plans. BurnYourCash has said it is already making plans to leave the UK if the Conservative party is re-elected with this policy of creating new Gods in its programme. 

On Monday, Cameron made a speech in which he decried the ability of ordinary people to have conversations on which the security services were unable to eavesdrop.“In extremis, it has been possible to read someone’s letter, to listen to someone’s call, to mobile communications,” Cameron said. “The question remains: are we going to allow a means of communications where it simply is not possible to do that? My answer to that question is: no, we must not.”

Noclue said "It is obvious from Cameron's statement that he plans to turn ordinary intelligence officers into divine beings giving them omnipotence and impacting the whole religious, social and economic order of the world."

Other experts have thrown cold water on the plans, “Yes you can pass laws in Westminster until you’re blue in the face but it's not practical” said Renta Os, another expert in the field. “Citizens, businesses, and nation states need to protect themselves but creating a whole new pantheon of Gods is just not the answer. Cameron’s plans appear dangerous, ill-thought out and scary."

This new debate has political implications with alternative parties claiming "We will not be making any new Gods as part of our policy programme. That's our pledge to the public. Your Gods are safe in our hands". Our reporters were unable to get a response from the Conservatives, providing further clear evidence of the nefarious plans.

Off the record, one political commentator did state "I don't think Cameron said he was going to create new Gods, did you check the text? I think you're extrapolating wildly. It's about as daft as saying he intends to ban encryption. He didn't say that either."

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